Sheep take on the NRA and Candy Nazis…..

Where to begin, so much material, so little time. The NRA asked for it and now we are going to go rogue on them. Ahem, Senior psychopath,  police and FBI must be able to refer to that register to avoid future killings. What part does he not understand? This is not produce we are talking about, they are weapons that kill. Guns, not squash, though we have heard of people getting things caught in their nether regions. But nobody ever died from squash, entrapped rodents maybe, but that was only when the little buggers felt they could not find a way out. That became an intense situation. There was a lot of crying, some people screamed, and we heard the humans were not too happy either. But we are getting off track. Actually we are not, some of the same people who might abuse rodents and produce could also abuse guns. Could you imagine someone who has already abused the produce, getting it caught getting angry and going on a shooting spree? Until the little guy came out, and we don’t mean that way, the rampage could be severe.

When did you ever recall anyone having such issues with turnips, or carrots? Pineapple we might be able to see, as it can cause irritation, but few people die of a rampage with produce. If on the other hand, you get escapees from a ya ya ward, or say grandpa who didn’t get his nightly prune juice, you might have issues. Even in such cases sheep see the need for a register for those who carry concealed produce. It is not an invasion of privacy or their second amendment rights if someone else could be injured. Can you imagine a forced pruning? Or worse a rogue fruiting? Then there are the issues with those who might carry a loaded melon. Oh the possibilities sir.

You cannot have people walking about ready to take on the nearest or weakest links. That just makes for more crazies on the loose. It does not cut down on the rogue attacks, won’t reduce the need for the bleach bottle by junior. The police and feds must be able to identify anyone who purchased produce and rodents. They have to be able to know if grandpa got his meds and is not a candidate for company D. Junior who could be going through hormonal issues, or those of inadequacy, should not be able to have access either. And pre menopausal females or shemales, it goes without saying. NO means NO.

But if you sir would rather have these crazies carrying in grocery stores, or malls, churches, ready at any time to take out the nearest supply of celery, or racks of designer attire, or those who buy them/ The meek, unsuspecting, non carrying members of the NRA, or KKK, the normal who dare to be different? If you insist on violating their rights to safety from freaks who need to get their rocks off from things that go boom? You sir are a cad.

Sheep like things that go boom, but not like that. We like crackers at Christmas time, champagne for those aha moments, pretty things that light up the sky on the fourth. Bertha loves those. But nothing that could harm others. Sheep won’t have anything to do with them or thing that could harm others. We just can’t support it or you. We will back the police and FBI who see the need for such records but you or yours? No. Even puppy who is and has been a life long produce carrying member of society says he can’t back you. While the age old image of the grand dame carrying a gun in her garter belt may seem sexy to some? Remember, today, its just dangerous. Bertha is not about to sport that look, even if a Kardashian might. No telling if some Lothario gets the hornies and demands action. That would be the kind he did not ask for.

As for you candy Nazis who now refuse to allow kids to devour a lifetime old habit of eating candy cigarettes? We have this to say to you, actually Bertha is mooning you. Girl, we hear ya on that one. I think kids can tell the difference between something that tastes like insulation and dirt and something that is sweet and crunchy. Unless you left your tobacco in your nether regions? We don’t think so. Trust us, kids can tell the difference, and no Gertrude, it won’t make them take up smoking.

Like we said, so much material, so little time. If sheep have to go to these places, you know we are pissed off. Are you listening?  

We have a few choice words for the head of the NRA,

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Sheep Offer Advice for Holliday Travel….

 If there is anything sheep have learned over the years is how to maneuver airport travel. Bertha and puppy have these wonderful tips for impending travellers this holiday season.

When packing remember you cannot pack anything that is odd shaped. Bertha who is a sheep after all has to wear attire that can handle her, ahem, rather unique body. Meaning, what humans can sport, sheep simply cannot. Case in point are shoes. Sheep cannot wear flip flops, or slip ons. We have hooves. Our easy on and off in the TSA line is not so simple. Bertha has to pack shoes with heels, and boots are totally out as our hooves get stuck and then its a whole new ballgame. Trying to take those things off brings on its own issues. She tried that once, trying to contort her body into various positions showing off her charms to the rest of the passengers. It goes without saying, after that fiasco, no more boots.

Then there are the issues with bras with under wires. Ladies, you know what we are talking about. The second you go through a security check all hell  breaks loose, and then it becomes a game of slap and tickle with the male TSA agents trying to feel you up. What? Did we say the wrong thing? We don’t think so. If men had to wear a cup with a wire, don’t you think you would feel the same way guys? Do you really enjoy someone getting a feel of your gifts? Enough said. Puppy went through hell the night he forgot to remove a carrot. TSA grabbed him, took him down and it was off to the races. No produce unless its packed, wrapped, in baggies or stored, and we don’t mean there.

We were talking underwires. Bertha was sporting the latest in underwire bustier, complete with lots of ribbing. Well, that just set off every alarm in the entire airport. Poor Bertha had to strip in public, showing off her implants and new tattoo. Bertha, you got a new tat? She is winking at us. Should we be alarmed? Bertha is trying to pantomime its shape. Ok sister, that is just way too much information. The passengers and agents got a good look at this beast, and some fainted. One just kept tilting his head trying to figure out what it is. Bertha gave him a sharp bite on his toucas. Once the public got a good look at her, the agents passed her on, but not with that top. Topless she had to make her way through the airport with men nearly passing out, or offering marriage proposals, one even  got whiplash trying to stare. You have to know this girl, she ate up the attention, swinging those hips and popping that gum, batting her lashes. She figured if you are going to have to go topless, ya might as well work it sister. So nothing with ribs or underwires.

Liquids are off limits too. Sheep can’t tolerate to be near anyone with breath that smells like snarl. If we must, we offer a breath mint when we can, a piece of gum, or for that matter grass.  So what is a human to do? Well, puppy gets around this by saying he can’t go outside to pee so he carries his own facility. Nobody is going to question a  dog. Though one testy agent chose to force him to sip it to prove its contents. Puppy shook his head, the agent persisted. A drunk grabbed the bottle, offered to be the guinea pig. He was so gone he had no idea of the content. “It itsn’t bad, but it needs a wedge of lime.” The passengers and puppy began to gag, one began to puke. The agent passed the dog on through without his bottle.

Bertha is up front, she lets the agents see her bottles of make up, perfume, all stored so it gets shipped ahead. Though one snuck through, causing men to swoon. Bertha, what were you wearing? She was wearing Comptoire Sud Abricot Vanille. Very nice girl. She has such good taste, is it any wonder men swooned? Lesson here, if you must pack liquids, make sure you only take less than an ounce and if need be send ahead.

Now we know you have been through the long hold overs. Don’t you hate that? You don’t get enough time to pee, or get coffee before they begin to call your number. But for those long hangovers, oops, we mean layovers, we recommend good reading material. Puppy says Playboy is good for men, or for women something with a bit of ZAZA ZOO. If you must take offspring, do bring nappies and lots of books or toys. Puppy says carrots won’t do for them, so don’t even go there. Even if Junior insists on using a plunger, just give him a swift bite and tell him NO. Must we really explain the plunger? That is for those private moments, not an aircraft.

Now for produce or anything that must be explained. Oy where do we start? If you have to blow on it, inflate it,  spank it, in any way sit on it? That is a big time NO. Do you really want to see your blow up doll making the rounds at the gates? Poor girl will get more action than your sister. If you must get caught with carrots, turnips, squash, or anything that can be used for chinese or crudite platter for later? Fake it, telling them you are a vegan. You simply cannot eat their airline delicacies. They do not need to know you are going to have a romp with them later on. Puppy usually does not have an issue with produce, unless he gets a perv who is into it too, and opens his big, fat, mouth. That is when he resorts to using the leg lift.

So, if you all have to travel, we hope these pieces of advice are helpful. Just remember, you should pack something to prevent shoe BO. Nobody wants to be behind a person whose shoes smell worse than our pens back at the farm. For that matter, they don’t want to be behind a person whose behind smells like a pen either. Hopefully they are into hygiene.


Good travelling…..

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How to Tell if you have an Image Problem, GOP, You Paying Attention?

Sheep are seriously laughing. The GOP has no idea why they have such a bad reputation. Are they serious? Do we really have to go there? Sheep are going rogue on this one.

Number one, they seriously need to take the stick out. A good romp with carrots will help this. Puppy, Bertha and Henrietta are laughing hysterically.  Puppy we get it, but whether they will is something else. Bertha is rolling her eyes.

Second, the people who represent them have serious intolerance issues. Bertha, you have met some of these folks, yes? She is shaking her head. They like to wear sheets and attend rally’s? Oh my! That explains a lot. They like to hunt and use humans as bait? That is seriously twisted. Hmmm, sounds like they are more into the S&M than we thought. Let’s see, white sheets, pain, fire, all done behind closed doors. Yep, that is serious S&M. Bertha says one is into whips and chains. They didn’t call him house whip for nothing!

Then they have that anti female thing. What is up with that? They hate women, yet they insist they all get buggered up and pregnant, don’t like birth control, but hate the idea of paying for all of the out of wedlock kids. Sounds like a bunch of  cheap, premenstrual males to us. How else do you explain it unless they are all gay? Not that there is anything wrong with that. You all know how we sheep feel about the gay population. We support them and gay marriage. We love it when they wear rose. But we digress.

They don’t want anyone else to have what they do, are hellbent on avoiding taxes, but want everyone else to pay more. Oh lord, that sounds like cheap ex husbands to us. Memories of bad marriages and dates past. Bertha, you dated a cheap skate didn’t you? She is shaking her head. You had to pay for your entire night out, plus a ride home, and he wanted you to pay him for sex? You gave him the gift that keeps on giving. We love it. Nobody messes with this sheep and gets by with it. You took pictures of him in compromising positions? Nice touch.

They hate old people and want to take their medicare and social security away from them. Puppy is crossing himself. Nobody touches an old woman’s medicare or social security. Does getting chased by angry old people in wheel chairs with cains not scare the hell out of them? If not it should. If those old people are told they can’t get Viagra, boy will Hef have it in for all of you. Don’t think so.

Then there is education they seem to insist needs to go. Why? Stripping that along with programs for little kids is just wrong. You already removed Elmo from Sesame Street, which Puppy still can’t get over. Now they want to make little kids starve at school so they can get their botox queens paid for. NOTE we said QUEENS. Would they like to see what angry kids can do? It won’t be pretty. Kids know how to cause Montazuma’s revenge.  If any kid offers them brownies? I think I would refuse.

So let’s recap for them. They hate kids, old people, are cheap, bigoted, need to have a good romp with carrots, Puppy am I leaving anything out? Puppy is looking at the list, uh oh, he has more folks. Puppy, do tell.

Puppy says they hate anyone who interferes with their expensive toys. Hmmmm, so that explains it, they like toys. Bertha says she likes toys too, but Bertha, I don’t think that is what they had in mind. She is winking, shaking her head. They are? One likes leather? Oh yeah, the whips and chains guy. And we thought it was just buck shot. Bertha says that also has its place. I’m sure it does. Do we want to go there? She wants to go there. They don’t like anyone who messes with thier oil? Bertha, don’t even touch that one. Puppy says he will. Ok, we know how that came out. Bertha, that is what you said? MOving On….

They have bleach nanny still and that guy who ran with Romney, so we know they won’t take religion off the table. Bertha you tried to take it off the table, and what happened? She is pantomiming. First word, sounds like …..Bertha! We can’t say that online. She is making another hand gesture. Nope, can’t say that either. We get the picture. They are prudes.

This is not looking good guys. What else?  They like dim sum. Oh yes, outsourcing. Is it any wonder they are so hated? They just hate people period. They have Karl in a dress, and Rush in tights. That would explain part of it. They have the loud mouth who likes to attack children and the disabled. Oh those are real good people to represent you. NOT.  Puppy is shaking his head. This does not bode well for this group. The top ten list would not be enough to cover all of this, sorry Dave.

Sheep have spoken. We want only good things for humans. We like old people, gays, the transgendered, children, dogs, cats, kids, families. We like to see families happy, in jobs that can pay for healthcare without the tax increase, equal rights for all.Bertha is supporting your cause, by wearing a patriotic bra by Victoria’s Secrets, which might be a bit too much info girl. The dog is trying to wave the peace symbol but it comes out the middle paw. We appreciate the intent.

GOP,  yes, you have a serious issue with image and that is why. Sheep say FIX IT.


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Sheep Take on The Holidays…..

I know, its that time of the year again. We can tell as puppy is once again having to do the two step to grab his produce before the masses get to it. Did that come out wrong, too much pro secco? We think its just the hangover from Black Friday. Have you ever? I mean come on humans, some of you need a good spanking. Diving into crowds allowing your drawers to be pulled down as you grab for a toaster? Is nothing sacred? At least the woman could have worn Victoria’s Secrets like Bertha did. If she got grabbed, she didn’t care who saw her. But you humans, oy gavalt. You embarrass yourselves. Is it any wonder we only see Santa once a year? Or hang bagels for passover? This time of year brings out the beast in you.

Bertha likes to go away to her favorite spot, the Caymans. I am with ya on that one girl. Nothing like lounging on a beach with a guy named Sven to feed you grapes, pass puppy a good squash, and Hen the latest in political gossip. We sheep refuse to fuss with all of you creatures. You become vultures waiting to stalk the next sale. We prefer to take our chances on line or by phone. Of course the call centers make things harder. Puppy still can’t translate squash to the Chinese. He orders it, only to get dirty laundry. Sorry Wong, he didn’t ask for wash, he asked for squash. And when Bertha orders socks, she gets the manager on the phone screaming they don’t’ sell sex. But we prefer that to you humans who fight over garland, or the latest frou frou du jour.

Of course there are the perfume ads. Where do humans find so many insipid writers? If it was not for the half naked beings on screen, all you would have is sex. Not that there is anything wrong with it. We like sex as much as the next sheep, but we have to have conversation. Oops, going off on a tangent. Bertha likes the jewelry ads. Come to think of it, she likes a lot of sparkling things. That explains the baths in pro secco, of course she does then wreak of Italians or Spaniards. Try explaining that one to a cop. No sir she was not drinking, she was bathing in Italians. Of course her fur takes time to get over the alcohol high. Her speech gets slurred,  and she starts to make passes at anyone who looks her way. Then the clothes come off, eye lashes begin to fall too, and oops, there goes the panties. Just can’t take her anywhere if she baths in booze. Oh, a side step, yes, we were talking about sparkling things. She tried to order those diamond studs, only to get them stuck in her nose. She sneezed and accidentally inhaled, and up they went. Now she only orders hoops. Since they don’t show tassels she is left to order blinds for windows, removing the shade and using the dangling things for…. Too much info there girl.

The holidays are times when sheep pull out all the stops. You all use reindeer and we use cats. Hey, if you ever need a path cleared fast, throw a cat in a snow bank and watch how fast they move through it. Much cheaper than the neighborhood kid. Of course we do invite them in after, the cats, not the kids. Someone has to open all of those damn plastic wrapped things. Cats come in handy that way.

Puppy likes to offer produce to carollers. Hey, if they insist on forcing their good cheer on all of us, he is going to teach them a lesson. These folks are use to getting hot chocolate offered. When the produce tray comes out, the looks on faces is priceless. Look on the bright side folks, not only can you use it , you have the ability to make Chinese or a crudites platter for later. Did you expect the dog to give up produce for the holidays? We knew better. He likes ring toss in the snow too. Nothing like the shrieks of old ladies who end up throwing out old stale bagels. Snacks for later. We know crude Holiday cheer.

 Sheep think by this time you all are accustomed to our rants and rowdy adventures. If not, we urge thee to get to a blog and read. Yes, even we by this time of the year get the devil in us. It does not take much for Bertha, as she is always ready to go. Do not offer the girl egg nog. Unless you are prepared to take her home for a good romp, lose your chandelier in the am, look as if you fought in the resistance? And that is if she only had one glass guys. If she downs more, the gloves come off and you are up for grabs.

We sheep have a few good ideas for gift giving. For Junior, there is always the bleach bottle. Come on, we know he is not just playing wi fi. The little monkey needs love too. Then there is your daughter. For her we recommend the latest in chastity belts. Mom you really need to wake up and smell the hummus. Literally. If she comes home from a date and wreaks of snarl? Must we go there? Get the girl the Victoria’s Secret’s belt with everything. Vice grips, scissors for the men who can’t take no for an answer. Too much? Then there is your husband, which we recommend produce and a blow up doll. This way you get a good night’s sleep while he gets his rocks off. Come to think of it, that in itself is a gift that keeps on giving. Much cheaper than a hooker and fewer diseases. Bertha says a gift certificate for a wild night with her cures his ills too. Such a champion for the cause.

As for this sheep, I will be looking forward to a night of asti after dark, a little night magic, some pixie dust, a little late night Chinese and my personal favorite, Nickleback and a wild ride through the cold air. Cheers! 

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Bertha Takes on Chanel Ad…..

We sheep feel ripped off. Did the French ask if we sheep ever created such ads prior to the one with Brad Pitt? Have they seen the one with Bertha doing her best Sharon Stone impersonation, wearing nothing more than a sheer duster and high heels? Did they not recognize the come hither look in her eyes, the flare of her nostrils or they way she sashayed around the room, cigarette holder in hand, blowing smoke rings?

The mere way she spritzed herself with the Chanel no 5 should have sent quivers down the backs of any male. The way she batted her very long lashes at the camera, winking and with a coy paw, begging the viewer to come play with her, teasing them with a quick turn, and look back. That is the stuff real ads are made of. Instead, what did they do?

They took one of our idols, Brad Pitt and gave him a no nothing monosyllabic grunt. What the hell was that suppose to be? I am sure Angelina brings more than this out of him in the boudoir. A grunt? Really? They could not afford to at least put his ex in an ad doing her best Mrs. Smith rendition? Or for that matter her scene from Bad Bosses? No drama at all, none. No cat fights of the two women, no tugs of war, the things that perfume can lead to. A grunt about nonsense is all we got?

Sheep are very displeased. Any perfume ad must have drama, or sell sex, and his ad did neither. It makes sheep want to get neutered. Puppy thinks it was done by someone having with drawl symptoms from squash. They didn’t care what it attracted. I am sure Chanel no 5 which we adore, would be unhappy to know it attracts sheep wanting to become neutered after watching that ad. Bertha is spitting mad. She was told she would be the belle du jour for that spot. She was prepared to look into the camera and ask men voulez vous cous chez avec moi?

Just goes to show, you can put a man in a thong but you can’t make him sexy.

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Sheep Still Waiting for Akins Response…..

Sheep have no intention of getting behind a man who refuses to halt using the bible to justify the theft of a woman’s reproductive health care. Nobody has a right to dictate how a rape victim handles the aftermath. That is her choice, her body and no Fundy has a right to dictate how that body is treated.

Sheep refuse to follow such constipated, backwoods thinking. Their use of words taken out of context from a book built on sand, have no place in politics. Separation of Church and State is there to block such agendas from ruling how people live.

Akin is on the sheep’s shit list for life. If one is on this list, there is little to remove it. You cannot support a group who are so blinded by their faith, to run a country, nation, or state. Neutrality is basic and part of what is prescribed to work as a representative of the people. Sheep have the ability to look outside of the box. Fundy’s do not. Nor are they willing to even consider the possibility.

Agenda does not belong to sheep, nor anyone that ignores the needs of the people. The rights and civil liberties must come first and for most for every individual of all walks of life. Sheep get that concept, follow it to the letter. Baggies cannot grasp that the world is well beyond words written on a page.

We are not going away, nor will we be silenced. Bertha is standing nude, in heels to defend the rights and liberties of all women kind. Puppy is raising his squash in solidarity. yes, we know we said raising it. You knew we would go there. All Humans must rally behind the ability for every woman and doctor to work together for their health care. It cannot and must not belong to a group of radical fiends willing to set the world back to the dark ages. Not only is that a dangerous agenda, it is a blind agenda.

The sheep have spoken.  

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Sheep Prepare Underground Newspaper…..

Don’t blame us, your narrow minded, conservative, right wing organization forced us to do this. Yes, we sheep are going to launch and underground news paper. We fully plan to expose those with produce issues, omelet issues, who is playing footsie with the lobbyists, and who is on payroll of corporations. But that is only the beginning.

Puppy plans to plant produce in places that forces the user to either get caught swiping, using, or in a heavy throw of passion. Hey, this isn’t mean, its politics. Henrietta will be on Holiday in the Cayman’s, watching for anyone who makes a deposit in Hell. Humans cannot obtain such data, but nobody said a sheep was off limits.

Bertha will be at the caucuses, in full regalia. The woman has no morals, ethics or other when it comes to the fine art of seduction, and fully plans to use her ta ta’s to get unsuspecting politicos to spill all. She plans to woo them, play footsie, make them sweat, tease them, and swat them as needed. She knows a good spanking can get a sheep far in the espionage industry.

Will there be hyperventilation? We suspect so. Will there be out and out rebuttals? Oh hell yes. Will there be photos? Only puppy knows. Will there be heavy breathing? Bertha has indicated no man can refuse her, so yes.

What you won’t see are phony segments on ca ca issues. You won’t find Kim K. defending her tushy, or Brittany throwing change at toll bridges. We plan on interviewing those who dare to go bare. We will offer the public a chance to weigh in, and the debates will be public.

Humans, you have been asking for this, waiting for this, and now, we are mean, we have teeth, and are not going to back down. The gloves are off and the wait is over. Let the produce fly.    

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