Bertha Has the Flu..So do You….

You would think that sheep are immune to things like colds or flu, but we are not. Like you when sheep get sick, we really get sick. Our fur goes flat, and we go sheep. Bertha is suffering from a bad case of flu. She is sitting spread eagle in her Papasan chair, and because she has a high fever, it makes her legs come a part. Thankfully this is happening in her home, and not in someone’s office.

Bertha, how are you feeling? She is hacking up a fur ball, and snarfing. Oops, she let one fly. We will excuse you for that. Her middle paw just went up. When Bertha gets sick, no amount of chicken soup will help. This girl gets full on funk, and requires serious maintenance. Such as you might ask? Well, a simple bath is not going to cut it. It just makes her fur go natty. Then there is the issue of her needing her nose done. The Netty pot almost drowned her the time she tried to use it. When she tried to use decongestant sprays, it just made her toot. Don’t ask the girl to try to use anything pink. To do so is asking to see aliens in the toilet. Instead, she sits on her balcony and lets em loose. Apparently there is something about letting it all hang out that gives her that feeling of pro secco, a bit bubbly and a lot sweet. It has caused numerous visits to the ER for sprained necks, blindness, and black eyes. Not hers, those who chose to stop and stare. If she decides to go full frontal, or dare we say it, bend over? Riot gear is needed.

For now, she is sitting on her balcony with her nose stuffed with tissue, a cold pack on her forehead, an eye mask, and a humidifier to keep her fur from going haywire. Throw in her long cigarette holder and slim cigars and she is the epitome of the grand dame. Her not now, I am not in the mood attitude is present, along with touch em and you will get a clog in the clapper. Noises only a sheep could make can be heard from outside. Blowing her nose becomes bellows frightening the area cats. Her tummy is filled with nocturnal beasts waiting to pounce on her. In short, the woman has the flu. As she wheezes from the Kleenex, she emits a high pitched whine. Since sheep don’t swill medicine like humans do, all she can do is wait this out, attempt to ignore the symptoms and try to get on with her life. Alas, humans can’t miss her.

A loud belch is heard as she pats her tummy. Was it something you ate dear? Again with the middle paw. Realizing her breath wreaks of snarl she goes to the medicine cabinet to down some eau de Chartres. Now it wreaks of lavender and snarl.  This could be a long night folks. The girl is not up to her usual antics. Though watching her go through this is amusement in itself.

In fact, she has turned off her cell phone, computer and tablet. She has parked herself on the couch to watch her favorite programs. One in particular makes her tear up. No, its not a tear jerk er, she gets off on watching Some Like It Hot. Pointing to the screen, she spies Marilyn’s fur coat. Taking notes she taps on her computer until it hums back on.  Bertha,you have that coat. Why the tears? She is pantomiming memories of her nights with Artie. For those who don’t know Artie, that is the one who got away. Escaped is more like it. Evidently when he ran out screaming about his eyes, she had been wearing that coat and nothing else. He didn’t know she was a sheep. In his drunken stupor, he assumed she was just another drag queen. From what we hear, screams of “what the hell?’ could be heard for blocks.We digress. Well Artie, the hooves and snarl should have given that one away, along with the bow legs and buck teeth.

Bertha is giving the paw to that coat. She is stomping around the room and her Kleenex is hanging on for dear life. We can’t tell if the natty hair is from her fever or her anger. She is such the drama queen. Girl get over it, he probably would have wanted kids. Dragging herself back to her bed, she is now trying to fall asleep. We should leave her so as not to disturb. Good Night Bertha.

Humans, you could take a few clues and realize that as bad as you feel when you are sick, sheep go through the same things. At least you all get to take bubble baths without the risk of getting it caught. You can take medicine to dry you up, drink the pink stuff to aide your stomach, and sip things that have bubbles. Bubbles just make us sneeze more. Don’t get us started on those throat things you suck on. Bertha fell asleep with one and it ended up in her ear. Poor girl was deaf for a week until it melted. The other one ended up in that place nobody discusses. For a week, we were watching her squirm.

Our advice? Take two sheep and call us in the morning.

About cruisepuppy7452a

50/D/F, who is a college grad, former associate producer/marketing agent for an indy film co. I have also worked as a caterer/chef. Currently in the process of writing 2 books, one humor and the other is a cookbook. What makes me tick is fighting for the little guy. Nothing makes my more angry than a bully who attacks the elderly, disabled, poor, middle class or unemployed. Some question my sanity or motives. I am totally sane, and my motives are pure. I do what is right, I give back and try to help make this world a better place for all. Ted Kennedy once called my ideas crazy and that was when I knew I was on the right track. Apparently he only did so to those whom he respected. As payback to him and his family I will continue to fight for the little guy, until someone tells me a sheep has replaced me. Only then, as I respect sheep, they are good people. My blog is to discuss issues, question everything and get people asking questions and thinking outside of the box. I am a defender of the people, thier rights and civil liberties and will continue the good fight until nobody is seen as bad, evil, perverse, or other. Its the same bus, there is no first class, . Its your choice. Back to the sheep. Like the sheep in my novel, I am laid back, easy going, have a sense of humor and am easily entertained. Some expect the ususal nonsense. Read the blog and it becomes apparent who I am. I do hope to one day run for political office. I have seen what ego does, how power and money corrupt, and religion can cause harm
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