Bertha rang in 2013 as only she can. The woman went wild. She is sitting on a chair looking like something the cats dragged in, literally. Bertha, you went to a New Years party? She is looking at me with that just get it over with and kill me already stare. Did you get drunk? Puppy is pantomiming the entrance. You got out of the car and got your dress caught up in your garter belt? She is looking at me and rolling her eyes. Puppy is doing his best Sharon Stone impersonation. You flashed everyone. She is looking at me again with that look of utter disgust. Puppy claims she hadn’t started drinking, but with Bertha you never know. Puppy is again making gestures to try to explain her wild night.
The senator showed up? Were people staring at you? She is mouthing the words women used to describe her wild entrance. Oh MY! They called you a common terrier? Girl what were you doing in that limousine? She is winking at me with one eye. Did you go after that senators wife again? She is making hand gestures. Puppy claims she was not trying for a threesome but somehow, things got out of hand and before you knew it? It became a slap and tickle session, only somehow Bertha managed to escape. Ok, spill it, who was in that car? Puppy is looking around, whistling, and trying not to look too guilty. Puppy, did you sneak in there? There was produce? You used produce to bribe a senator for a vote? Puppy is snickering. The man could not help himself. You dog you. Bertha is looking at him and shaking her head. So Bertha what happened after you got your dress caught?
Bertha is lighting up one of her extra long cigars, as she opens up about the night. She entered wearing killer high heels, a dress with a slit down to there, and tried not to fall out. Well, the tape did not hold em in and of course there she was flaunting them for all to see. One man dropped his champagne glass and another yelled out…”Bravo!” At this point she had now flashed everyone in the room, from both ends. Other women would have been mortified, but not our gal. Bertha took em out and began to swing them. The dress made an extra slit as she began to do her best peepshow impersonation.It was on. Bertha now controlled the room. Men began to approach her with their wives giving them a sharp slap. That had Bertha hot and heavy. One guy offered her his glass of champagne, and as soon as she took a sip, out fell her dentures. The man began to gag. She tried to put them back in but somehow they ended up upside down. Now she just looked like a drunken sailor out on leave. A man gracefully offered her his handkerchief and she fixed her mistake. But did that stop the old girl? No way! She grabbed champagne, the man and off they went to a corner. Screams were heard, and so was moaning, but Bertha insists it was not from her. She is shaking her head. He was a crier? She is looking at me as if to say…what a loser. She dismissed him and went on to target number two. Bertha how much younger was he than you? 15 years? She is winking. The term cougar came to mind, along with a dirty old bag. You tangoed with this guy? Define tango exactly? Wait, we might not want to know.
Bertha is grabbing the rose in her teeth, and snapping her fingers as she sashays across the room. I knew that look. The girl was a smitten kitten. He knows you are a sheep right? He didn’t care.Did you tell him you can’t have kids? He said they could adopt. Did he know you are also a wild woman who can’t be tamed? She claims that just turned him on even more. She said he tried to undo her corset and she had to give him a swift bite. Assuming that would be the end of it, she tried to escape. The kid would not give up. Doing a dance move she lifted her leg and gave him a swift kick in the clapper. Still it was not enough to get this hormone raging teenager off of her. Finally puppy broke in, grabbed her and made a swift exit. Just as she was pulling herself together from that nightmare, she heard a breathless whisper in her ear. The sheep was in no mood for another Lothario.
“Mind if I cut in?” he asked in a suave voice? It was her stalker, the very one who followed her around the world, and made her swoon. But by now her lashes were falling off, she was a sweaty beast and smelled of snarl. That did not seem to bother this guy. He always liked that Mediterranean look. Bertha was so shocked she swallowed one of her eye lashes. She bent over to try to cough it up, but ended up looking as if she was doing other things. An old woman walked by and screamed at her. “You swine, couldn’t you wait until you got home to do that?” Bertha began to gag making it look as if she was ignoring the old bat. Finally she gave a loud belch and up it came. The old bat was mortified as she assumed the worst. Bertha raised her middle hoof and looked her in the eye. The dance of the eyes was on. Bertha walked around her and the old woman followed her. It was almost a tango. Before anyone could stop this mess, Bertha lunged at her and it was a cat fight sheep style. Bertha ripped off the old gals wig, and vice versa. Men were cheering, some were throwing money. A New Years eve party and a cat fight, what man could ask for more? Cheers of Bite Her” and “Oh man I know that had to hurt” could be heard across the room. The old gal was a tough beast. As Bertha began to rip off her bra, yells of “Put it back on her” could be heard. The fight was broken up to groans. Bertha came out of it looking as if she had been on an all night drunk. Literally. One man offered her a cigar and asked if it was good for her too? She winked at him, blew smoke rings in his face and pat his face. Puppy b this time was engaged in other activities with strange women he had just met.
Noises of “ah sweet mystery of life at last I found you” could be heard coming from their direction. No telling what that was about and puppy won’t discuss it. Bertha knew. Turnips, they do it for him every time. It goes without saying the two were ushered out of the event with a ban on both. Now to Bertha this just means the party was a success. They sat and swilled champagne in the limmo, both skunk drunk and as they entered the house, sounds of regifting could be heard for hours.
Sheep hope your night was just as eventful, fun, sweet and filled with happiness. But we do hope you were able to do so without produce.