If there is anything sheep have learned over the years is how to maneuver airport travel. Bertha and puppy have these wonderful tips for impending travellers this holiday season.
When packing remember you cannot pack anything that is odd shaped. Bertha who is a sheep after all has to wear attire that can handle her, ahem, rather unique body. Meaning, what humans can sport, sheep simply cannot. Case in point are shoes. Sheep cannot wear flip flops, or slip ons. We have hooves. Our easy on and off in the TSA line is not so simple. Bertha has to pack shoes with heels, and boots are totally out as our hooves get stuck and then its a whole new ballgame. Trying to take those things off brings on its own issues. She tried that once, trying to contort her body into various positions showing off her charms to the rest of the passengers. It goes without saying, after that fiasco, no more boots.
Then there are the issues with bras with under wires. Ladies, you know what we are talking about. The second you go through a security check all hell breaks loose, and then it becomes a game of slap and tickle with the male TSA agents trying to feel you up. What? Did we say the wrong thing? We don’t think so. If men had to wear a cup with a wire, don’t you think you would feel the same way guys? Do you really enjoy someone getting a feel of your gifts? Enough said. Puppy went through hell the night he forgot to remove a carrot. TSA grabbed him, took him down and it was off to the races. No produce unless its packed, wrapped, in baggies or stored, and we don’t mean there.
We were talking underwires. Bertha was sporting the latest in underwire bustier, complete with lots of ribbing. Well, that just set off every alarm in the entire airport. Poor Bertha had to strip in public, showing off her implants and new tattoo. Bertha, you got a new tat? She is winking at us. Should we be alarmed? Bertha is trying to pantomime its shape. Ok sister, that is just way too much information. The passengers and agents got a good look at this beast, and some fainted. One just kept tilting his head trying to figure out what it is. Bertha gave him a sharp bite on his toucas. Once the public got a good look at her, the agents passed her on, but not with that top. Topless she had to make her way through the airport with men nearly passing out, or offering marriage proposals, one even got whiplash trying to stare. You have to know this girl, she ate up the attention, swinging those hips and popping that gum, batting her lashes. She figured if you are going to have to go topless, ya might as well work it sister. So nothing with ribs or underwires.
Liquids are off limits too. Sheep can’t tolerate to be near anyone with breath that smells like snarl. If we must, we offer a breath mint when we can, a piece of gum, or for that matter grass. So what is a human to do? Well, puppy gets around this by saying he can’t go outside to pee so he carries his own facility. Nobody is going to question a dog. Though one testy agent chose to force him to sip it to prove its contents. Puppy shook his head, the agent persisted. A drunk grabbed the bottle, offered to be the guinea pig. He was so gone he had no idea of the content. “It itsn’t bad, but it needs a wedge of lime.” The passengers and puppy began to gag, one began to puke. The agent passed the dog on through without his bottle.
Bertha is up front, she lets the agents see her bottles of make up, perfume, all stored so it gets shipped ahead. Though one snuck through, causing men to swoon. Bertha, what were you wearing? She was wearing Comptoire Sud Abricot Vanille. Very nice girl. She has such good taste, is it any wonder men swooned? Lesson here, if you must pack liquids, make sure you only take less than an ounce and if need be send ahead.
Now we know you have been through the long hold overs. Don’t you hate that? You don’t get enough time to pee, or get coffee before they begin to call your number. But for those long hangovers, oops, we mean layovers, we recommend good reading material. Puppy says Playboy is good for men, or for women something with a bit of ZAZA ZOO. If you must take offspring, do bring nappies and lots of books or toys. Puppy says carrots won’t do for them, so don’t even go there. Even if Junior insists on using a plunger, just give him a swift bite and tell him NO. Must we really explain the plunger? That is for those private moments, not an aircraft.
Now for produce or anything that must be explained. Oy where do we start? If you have to blow on it, inflate it, spank it, in any way sit on it? That is a big time NO. Do you really want to see your blow up doll making the rounds at the gates? Poor girl will get more action than your sister. If you must get caught with carrots, turnips, squash, or anything that can be used for chinese or crudite platter for later? Fake it, telling them you are a vegan. You simply cannot eat their airline delicacies. They do not need to know you are going to have a romp with them later on. Puppy usually does not have an issue with produce, unless he gets a perv who is into it too, and opens his big, fat, mouth. That is when he resorts to using the leg lift.
So, if you all have to travel, we hope these pieces of advice are helpful. Just remember, you should pack something to prevent shoe BO. Nobody wants to be behind a person whose shoes smell worse than our pens back at the farm. For that matter, they don’t want to be behind a person whose behind smells like a pen either. Hopefully they are into hygiene.