I know, its that time of the year again. We can tell as puppy is once again having to do the two step to grab his produce before the masses get to it. Did that come out wrong, too much pro secco? We think its just the hangover from Black Friday. Have you ever? I mean come on humans, some of you need a good spanking. Diving into crowds allowing your drawers to be pulled down as you grab for a toaster? Is nothing sacred? At least the woman could have worn Victoria’s Secrets like Bertha did. If she got grabbed, she didn’t care who saw her. But you humans, oy gavalt. You embarrass yourselves. Is it any wonder we only see Santa once a year? Or hang bagels for passover? This time of year brings out the beast in you.
Bertha likes to go away to her favorite spot, the Caymans. I am with ya on that one girl. Nothing like lounging on a beach with a guy named Sven to feed you grapes, pass puppy a good squash, and Hen the latest in political gossip. We sheep refuse to fuss with all of you creatures. You become vultures waiting to stalk the next sale. We prefer to take our chances on line or by phone. Of course the call centers make things harder. Puppy still can’t translate squash to the Chinese. He orders it, only to get dirty laundry. Sorry Wong, he didn’t ask for wash, he asked for squash. And when Bertha orders socks, she gets the manager on the phone screaming they don’t’ sell sex. But we prefer that to you humans who fight over garland, or the latest frou frou du jour.
Of course there are the perfume ads. Where do humans find so many insipid writers? If it was not for the half naked beings on screen, all you would have is sex. Not that there is anything wrong with it. We like sex as much as the next sheep, but we have to have conversation. Oops, going off on a tangent. Bertha likes the jewelry ads. Come to think of it, she likes a lot of sparkling things. That explains the baths in pro secco, of course she does then wreak of Italians or Spaniards. Try explaining that one to a cop. No sir she was not drinking, she was bathing in Italians. Of course her fur takes time to get over the alcohol high. Her speech gets slurred, and she starts to make passes at anyone who looks her way. Then the clothes come off, eye lashes begin to fall too, and oops, there goes the panties. Just can’t take her anywhere if she baths in booze. Oh, a side step, yes, we were talking about sparkling things. She tried to order those diamond studs, only to get them stuck in her nose. She sneezed and accidentally inhaled, and up they went. Now she only orders hoops. Since they don’t show tassels she is left to order blinds for windows, removing the shade and using the dangling things for…. Too much info there girl.
The holidays are times when sheep pull out all the stops. You all use reindeer and we use cats. Hey, if you ever need a path cleared fast, throw a cat in a snow bank and watch how fast they move through it. Much cheaper than the neighborhood kid. Of course we do invite them in after, the cats, not the kids. Someone has to open all of those damn plastic wrapped things. Cats come in handy that way.
Puppy likes to offer produce to carollers. Hey, if they insist on forcing their good cheer on all of us, he is going to teach them a lesson. These folks are use to getting hot chocolate offered. When the produce tray comes out, the looks on faces is priceless. Look on the bright side folks, not only can you use it , you have the ability to make Chinese or a crudites platter for later. Did you expect the dog to give up produce for the holidays? We knew better. He likes ring toss in the snow too. Nothing like the shrieks of old ladies who end up throwing out old stale bagels. Snacks for later. We know crude Holiday cheer.
Sheep think by this time you all are accustomed to our rants and rowdy adventures. If not, we urge thee to get to a blog and read. Yes, even we by this time of the year get the devil in us. It does not take much for Bertha, as she is always ready to go. Do not offer the girl egg nog. Unless you are prepared to take her home for a good romp, lose your chandelier in the am, look as if you fought in the resistance? And that is if she only had one glass guys. If she downs more, the gloves come off and you are up for grabs.
We sheep have a few good ideas for gift giving. For Junior, there is always the bleach bottle. Come on, we know he is not just playing wi fi. The little monkey needs love too. Then there is your daughter. For her we recommend the latest in chastity belts. Mom you really need to wake up and smell the hummus. Literally. If she comes home from a date and wreaks of snarl? Must we go there? Get the girl the Victoria’s Secret’s belt with everything. Vice grips, scissors for the men who can’t take no for an answer. Too much? Then there is your husband, which we recommend produce and a blow up doll. This way you get a good night’s sleep while he gets his rocks off. Come to think of it, that in itself is a gift that keeps on giving. Much cheaper than a hooker and fewer diseases. Bertha says a gift certificate for a wild night with her cures his ills too. Such a champion for the cause.
As for this sheep, I will be looking forward to a night of asti after dark, a little night magic, some pixie dust, a little late night Chinese and my personal favorite, Nickleback and a wild ride through the cold air. Cheers!