In our book sheep have tried to guide humans as to how to dress for job interviews. Bertha has gone on several interviews, some with hilarious results. Puppy has gone on a few, and between the two, they have made these observations. Take note as we know at some point you too may find yourself in such positions.
Walking into the interview is like approaching the firing squad, or in our case neutering. You know it will happen, you know it might sting, your eyes may cross and you could end up with serious hemorrhoids. More so from the latter. Your first clue things may not go well comes as you enter the waiting room.
A neutered, butch, female greets you at the door wearing what appears to be Prada. She has zero personality, in some cases fewer brains, way too much botox and fillers. Then you see the applicants, the women also wearing outfits out of the We are members of the cloister catalogue or Amish Monthly. Then there is the no make up, hair pulled so tight if they do not have botox, it could have fooled us. They have their perfect little suits that must have come out of the Sears catalogue from the roaring 20’s. Between the too tightly pulled buns, and no make up, they resemble nuns on the make. Puppy thinks a good romp with carrots would fix that. At least men can get by with the rumpled shirts, suits that fit them like a glove, though they do need to lose that hair goo, Not a good look for anyone guys.
So your name is finally called and you enter the actual interview. As you sit, you realize several things: The boss’s fly is open, and he has a huge bugger trying to climb out of his nose. You try not to look at the bugger, but then find yourself staring at his fly. Your mind is trying to stay focused on his questions, but you have these two items staring you in the eye. Then he leans back and suddenly the hamster is trying to pop out. Not only now do you have the bugger and the open fly, but you now must deal with not staring at the hamster which has escaped. As you sweat profusely, you realize this guy has your balls in his hand. He can make you or break you. As your heart pounds from the stress, you then find yourself wanting to pass gas. You pray it won’t happen during the interview, and if it does, he does not notice. A loud roar sounds from his chair, and you look at him. Is he reading your mind? Should you let it rip and and assume he will find it macho? It happens, you break wind and he stares you in the eye. “Are you mocking me?’ You stare back at him, mumbling something inaudible. “No” you reply.
The CEO gets closer and the bugger is now nearly crawling out. His pants are still unzipped, the hamster is flopping around and you hope he won’t let it loose. Sch-wing, it flies out of his nose onto a file cabinet. Once again he is staring at your resume, and you are grateful it did not hit you in the head. Feeling a bit queasy, you ask for a moment to collect yourself. You walk out of the office and take a few deep breaths. You notice the female applicant is still in Cloister mode and has not loosened the bun. Her face is still frozen and she has not cracked a smile. The boss calls you back in. Now there is a strange wet spot on his pants and nothing has changed. Did he wet them? You regroup and respond to his questions.
The guy begins to scratch down below, pants still open and hamster still loose. Breathe, as Bertha would say, if you can’t ignore it, try to enjoy it. You decide you cannot work for someone who allows rodents to escape from his trousers and are about to refuse an offer. Just then, they inform you the job is yours and he leans in to shake hands. Oy, halitosis, and clammy hands. Must we go there? You lean back and thank him for his time. He follows you out the door, and pats you on your bottom. You have a few choices here, one run like hell, or the other, try not to stare at the photo of his wife with the huge knockers sitting on his desk. Don’t stare at the knockers.This is your chance to earn a living, for God sakes, do not start to grow a stiffy. As you do the bop and weave, trying to get one last look at those knockers, he is giving you the salary info, the no drinking on the job speech, (is he kidding?), and the no smoking in the building routine.
You wave and thank him. Ok, so how did puppy blow his interview? For one, when he was suppose to pull out a copy of his resume, out fell his stash of produce. Great for dates, not so much for a first time interview. Unless you are sure the boss is into it also, don’t go there. The open fly issue was another problem. Do not assume if the boss’s fly is open, yours is suppose to do the same. You do not want the man to think you are mocking him. As for the hamster? Puppy says you should never offer to put it back.
Bertha did this and her nails got caught, and she ended up straddling the poor guy, her skirt flew up and her toucas was hanging out for all to see. As if that was not enough as she was trying to free herself, she tooted and the guy in the next office passed out. Her wig fell into her eyes. and her lashes began to come off landing on his zipper. The boss looked her in the eye and told her “don’t even think about it”. Only Bertha could cause a boss to emote and writhe, needing a cigar and looking as if he sat in a schvitz. The rest of us cannot pull this off, so don’t even try it.
You do realize one in every 1000 has ended up in a similar situation? Of those 1000, three were hired, two ended up in traction, (don’t get us started). One ended up missing a tooth, and another became thier good will ambassador.