It’s one thing when a sheep tries to educate you. We have to, you are your own worst enemies. Our new book discusses areas that need work. But the day you try to tell us how to drive is asking for it. Did you not pay attention to the chapter that discusses our inability to drive? Were you asleep at the wheel? The instructors nearly fainted when they saw us walk in. Driving for a sheep is not an easy task. Our hooves get caught in the floor, the chiffon starts to fly, giving new meaning to OOPS. More than once Henrietta and Bertha flashed passers-by.
Now we are told we have to contend with yet another piece of machinery while driving. You humans have this need to spy on us while we drive. What is it you need to know, please ask and I will discuss it. Do we snarf in the car while driving? Yes, we snarf. Bertha has been known to do many other things while driving, but we cannot go there. Do we drink and drive? Let me be clear, sheep only do this while riding in a limousine. Bertha tried to drive while drunk once, and she ended up off the road, trying to hump a tree. It was awful, her wig went askew, she got chaffed, her implants became infested with ants. Don’t ask me how her teeth ended up backwards. When the dog found her she was covered in zucchini, and moaning.
I told you about the produce thing, we suspect she has omelet issues. This is why we cannot drink and drive. It’s just asking for it. The dog has driven drunk, and he blames that on the neighborhood cat. She put vodka in his water dish. Yes, very funny muss. The poor little guy got the dry heaves, his fur became rank, and he was puking up a milkbone. He had to drive home stinking of afternoon delight. To look at him you would have thought he had a hot date. If only. All that was missing was the cigar.
We have seen you humans driving. Men fumbling with their music, women with their hair and make up. Word to the dames, if you couldn’t get it on at home, don’t try it in the car. That came out wrong, but you get the idea. I can always tell when a woman puts her make up on in the car. Lipstick is supposed to be on the lips ladies, not the eye brows. Bertha said she ended up that way from bad behavior. The woman is a nympho. Bertha, we are not discussing that now. She is pouting in the corner. Have you seen a woman try to put eye make up on while driving? We have. Ladies, do you really want to look like one of those vultures in Karl Lagerfeld’s shows? I bet half of them did their make up while driving. They have that we forgot to put on the blusher and look like vampires expression. You cannot see your face while driving.
Men, we know you text and drive, is it the mistress? You need to tell the tramp to call you at the office and not while driving. I do not want to see another male getting his rocks off as he drives. That is just wrong. It was bad enough when we caught Bertha. We thought she was having a stroke. There are just some things you have to do at home or at least in the loo. Becuase of this we now have to master that new piece of machinery as we drive. If you try to sneak one in, it alerts the police. Do you really want to have to explain yourself?
The government informed me it’s for catching those who insist on talking on the cell phone and texting as they drive. We know better, its to spy on us. We support the anti drinking gadget, that makes you breathe into a tube. The dog has a puzzled look on his face, apparently he didn’t understand that was how to use it. That would explain why the cops found traces of produce in his urine. Henrietta had to breathe into that once and almost hyperventilated. NO dear, it was not to get high. The car refuses to start if it detects Chanel.
If Chanel is detected, you have to go through that entire raise your right hoof routine. In heels nobody can stand up straight much less walk a straight line. I tried that once straight and went flying into the air. But to ask someone to do that while drunk? Are they kidding? Bertha was asked to stand straight, touch her nose and answer some questions while pulled over. Poor dear was so gone she let em fly, giving the cop a peep show. Never ask Bertha anything while drunk.
Too much? You wanted to know what sheep do while driving. We are just trying to bypass Big Brother. I think they are just perverts. Do they really need to hear what the dog deals with while dealing with omelet issues? I don’t think so. There are some things that must remain private. Unless you are trying to take notes on such issues, and if so, we have to wonder, is it you who has those omelet issues? HMMM?
I know we go after people for their behavior, but our intentions are not to spy. We just want to keep you from making asses of yourselves. They have a need to control you, so it must be issues with S&M. The dog agrees. When they need to watch, we think they doth protest too much. If they need to listen, perhaps its worse than we thought. All that is missing are the whips and chains. Why is it we picture them in those weird leather get ups? Yeah, they have issues all right and its way beyond control issues. Big Brother? We think its more like Mein Kampf. The dog is making gestures. If they have to spy and watch us, perhaps its they who are the perverts.