Ok buster, you have forced the sheep to take the gloves off. Nobody spies on the American people except SHEEP. Sheep observe the human species to teach them valuable lessons. YOU spy because you are conducting a witch hunt. There is a very big difference.
If sheep did not observe you all, how would blondes know how to use an ATM? We know, its not nice to pick on the mentally challenged. But we have seen way too many blondes trying to use the ATM like a slot machine. No Gertrude, you cannot win from an ATM. Oy, you cannot fix BLONDE.
And we try to help the male species from hooking up with gold diggers. Yes guys, they are the ones who are barely out of high school, wear toilet paper dresses, and shoes they cannot walk in. Yes, they sport that fake blonde hair, contacts, and implants that could chip a tooth. They are also the ones who cannot speak a word of English, but get their hooks into you and you into them, and then you are royally stuck with them. Can you say they want your money and a GREEN CARD? HELLO.
And we try to help the young males so they don’t end up embarrassing themselves while meeting the parents for the first time. If papa bear approaches you and offers you a drink, say NO. They want to see how drunk you get and how you would like to ravage their daughter while snockered. Or, if they ask you if you have any weird habits, please refrain from discussing the adventures with the bleach bottle, the mop you tried to get it on with while drunk. Oh we know you all better than you know yourselves. And for god sakes, do not discuss her mother. Do not leer if there is cleavage or the remote chance of sneaking a peek. That has ended the lives and father hood of more men than we sheep care to count. It is one thing if we end up fixed, but you can avoid that altogether.
Sheep are really here to try to help the population. We know gold diggers are looking for that piece of the ROCK as in Gibralter. The Canary Islands just won’t do, nor the Gallapagos. They want that chunk of ice that set you back to the dark ages. They want to have bragging rights at high school or college reunions. If they are not sporting the latest chunk of ice, or the hot male with the bank account of a Rockefeller, forget it. They do not want you.
Now that is the kind of thing we sheep are here for, that and to discuss the issues of the day that some of you bad boys and girls in DC insist on inflicting on the American people. We and only we can do so in a manner that gets the point across with humor. Could a journalist really get by discussing WIKKI leaks as we have without becoming a target? Don’t think so. Could we let people like Michelle Bachman, or Paul Ryan, the NRA, or Todd Akin know they cannot force religious agendas on the public under the guises of political agenda? No again. We for sure cannot remind Barack he is there to support the American people, not set them back, nor spy on them. Well, we are, but in a way only sheep can get by with.
Oh come on NSA, must we have to use Bertha and Puppy to make our point? Ok, you asked for it. Bertha is getting out her little black book of names of senators whom she has had a proverbial romp with. She is prepared to give the full details on who likes produce, who is into the whips and chains and who likes hookers. Black mail? Oh, this is just a sheep discussing her adventures in the boudoir. Free speech, her ability to live the life humans are allowed under the constitution. Then there is Puppy who already has a long list of who likes to have a romp with carrots.
Puppy is sitting in his chair, legs crossed, smoking a pipe and looking at his yellow pad of paper complete with names of those who are into squash, who like melons, and who, well, like little boys. He has a long memory. Unlike many, he is able to go incognito and spy on the unsuspecting senators or congress who have a bad habit of discussing issues in public. Who is going to look at a dog and think, that canine is spying on me. We were prepared to blame cats for this, but decided to save them for when we need them.
You all are not as suave. You just do not have that je ne sais qui that sheep have. You assume you are being so sneaky, yet you were outted by a mere mortal. You really have to learn the fine art of observance. That is a skill many want, but few actually succeed in. But we are not about to give away our secrets. Trade secrets of sheep, sorry, not up for grabs.
Humans seem to respect us, even enjoy our ability to make spot on observations. They know we are fully respectful of their rights and civil liberties. We do not need to go to the internet to spy on them, that is what every day life is for. We don’t want to know who is using peanut butter in the bedroom. Bertha says whipped cream is a lot less messy. Thanks for that one Bertha. We don’t need to know that you have vices. Don’t we all? Or if your neighbor is schtooping the secretary. We already know that.
If you are going to spy on someone at least have the decency of knowing how to do it. That is what cats are for. All those times you have shooed them off the couch, or your new pants? They have long memories, and take notes in ways you could not dream of. Those evil eyes they give you? That is telling you they are prepared to write a tell all if you don’t let them sleep in bed with you.
But you insist on using means that have to have negative outcomes. Such amateurs. Bertha has seen better. In a previous life we suspect she was a relative of Mata Hari. She is shimmying into the room naked. Ok girl, that is a bit much. Now she is giving the middle paw. Really? I guess some humans can’t take a joke. She has warned, if you insist on spying on her be prepared for a full moon. Puppy has stated if you think you are going to spy on him, he will pee on your leg. Hey, you didn’t expect them to high five you did you?
Hey, we are prepared to do what we must to protect the privacy of others. We don’t care if your mother likes her scotch, or if your two gay neighbors are throwing a gala. We don’t even care if they want to have drag races in the white house. You assumed we didn’t know about those didn’t ya? Bertha knows all about them. She knows who has a penchant for woman’s clothing and who wears it well.
Look, if you are going to spy on Monica, we are going to spy on you. If you are going to discuss the mating habits of your constipated brethren, we are going to go rogue and out you all. Fair is fair. You can’t expect us to remain silent. Sheep just won’t do it.
Ah the satellites are buzzing, the internet is causing crashing and the cocker roaches are going dormant. They do that when they are about to be caught. Remember Water Gate?Sheep do. Daniel Ellsberg’s office break in. That was nothing compared to this, you all have gone too far. You crossed lines sheep won’t touch. We know the fine art of observance for a common good, humor even, and just out and out spying to out anyone who speaks out against you. Sheep are not dumb.
Remember, Bertha is watching you. Are you listening Mr. Obama?