Bertha Has the Flu..So do You….

You would think that sheep are immune to things like colds or flu, but we are not. Like you when sheep get sick, we really get sick. Our fur goes flat, and we go sheep. Bertha is suffering from a bad case of flu. She is sitting spread eagle in her Papasan chair, and because she has a high fever, it makes her legs come a part. Thankfully this is happening in her home, and not in someone’s office.

Bertha, how are you feeling? She is hacking up a fur ball, and snarfing. Oops, she let one fly. We will excuse you for that. Her middle paw just went up. When Bertha gets sick, no amount of chicken soup will help. This girl gets full on funk, and requires serious maintenance. Such as you might ask? Well, a simple bath is not going to cut it. It just makes her fur go natty. Then there is the issue of her needing her nose done. The Netty pot almost drowned her the time she tried to use it. When she tried to use decongestant sprays, it just made her toot. Don’t ask the girl to try to use anything pink. To do so is asking to see aliens in the toilet. Instead, she sits on her balcony and lets em loose. Apparently there is something about letting it all hang out that gives her that feeling of pro secco, a bit bubbly and a lot sweet. It has caused numerous visits to the ER for sprained necks, blindness, and black eyes. Not hers, those who chose to stop and stare. If she decides to go full frontal, or dare we say it, bend over? Riot gear is needed.

For now, she is sitting on her balcony with her nose stuffed with tissue, a cold pack on her forehead, an eye mask, and a humidifier to keep her fur from going haywire. Throw in her long cigarette holder and slim cigars and she is the epitome of the grand dame. Her not now, I am not in the mood attitude is present, along with touch em and you will get a clog in the clapper. Noises only a sheep could make can be heard from outside. Blowing her nose becomes bellows frightening the area cats. Her tummy is filled with nocturnal beasts waiting to pounce on her. In short, the woman has the flu. As she wheezes from the Kleenex, she emits a high pitched whine. Since sheep don’t swill medicine like humans do, all she can do is wait this out, attempt to ignore the symptoms and try to get on with her life. Alas, humans can’t miss her.

A loud belch is heard as she pats her tummy. Was it something you ate dear? Again with the middle paw. Realizing her breath wreaks of snarl she goes to the medicine cabinet to down some eau de Chartres. Now it wreaks of lavender and snarl.  This could be a long night folks. The girl is not up to her usual antics. Though watching her go through this is amusement in itself.

In fact, she has turned off her cell phone, computer and tablet. She has parked herself on the couch to watch her favorite programs. One in particular makes her tear up. No, its not a tear jerk er, she gets off on watching Some Like It Hot. Pointing to the screen, she spies Marilyn’s fur coat. Taking notes she taps on her computer until it hums back on.  Bertha,you have that coat. Why the tears? She is pantomiming memories of her nights with Artie. For those who don’t know Artie, that is the one who got away. Escaped is more like it. Evidently when he ran out screaming about his eyes, she had been wearing that coat and nothing else. He didn’t know she was a sheep. In his drunken stupor, he assumed she was just another drag queen. From what we hear, screams of “what the hell?’ could be heard for blocks.We digress. Well Artie, the hooves and snarl should have given that one away, along with the bow legs and buck teeth.

Bertha is giving the paw to that coat. She is stomping around the room and her Kleenex is hanging on for dear life. We can’t tell if the natty hair is from her fever or her anger. She is such the drama queen. Girl get over it, he probably would have wanted kids. Dragging herself back to her bed, she is now trying to fall asleep. We should leave her so as not to disturb. Good Night Bertha.

Humans, you could take a few clues and realize that as bad as you feel when you are sick, sheep go through the same things. At least you all get to take bubble baths without the risk of getting it caught. You can take medicine to dry you up, drink the pink stuff to aide your stomach, and sip things that have bubbles. Bubbles just make us sneeze more. Don’t get us started on those throat things you suck on. Bertha fell asleep with one and it ended up in her ear. Poor girl was deaf for a week until it melted. The other one ended up in that place nobody discusses. For a week, we were watching her squirm.

Our advice? Take two sheep and call us in the morning.

Sheep Ring In 2013 Sheepstye....Oy The Horror, My Eyes!

Reblogged from cruisepuppy7452a:

Bertha rang in 2013 as only she can. The woman went wild. She is sitting on a chair looking like something the cats dragged in, literally. Bertha, you went to a New Years party? She is looking at me with that just get it over with and kill me already stare. Did you get drunk? Puppy is pantomiming the entrance. You got out of the car and got your dress caught up in your garter belt?

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For anyone who ever had that wild New Years Eve I think this will bring back some fond memories. That is, if you are a sheep and into produce. Enjoy!

Sheep Ring In 2013 Sheepstye….Oy The Horror, My Eyes!

Bertha rang in 2013 as only she can. The woman went wild. She is sitting on a chair looking like something the cats dragged in, literally. Bertha, you went to a New Years party? She is looking at me with that just get it over with and kill me already stare. Did you get drunk? Puppy is pantomiming the entrance. You got out of the car and got your dress caught up in your garter belt? She is looking at me and rolling her eyes. Puppy is doing his best Sharon Stone impersonation. You flashed everyone. She is looking at me again with that look of utter disgust. Puppy claims she hadn’t started drinking, but with Bertha you never know. Puppy is again making gestures to try to explain her wild night.

 The senator showed up? Were people staring at you? She is mouthing the words women used to describe her wild entrance. Oh MY! They called you a common terrier? Girl what were you doing in that limousine? She is winking at me with one eye. Did you go after that senators wife again? She is making hand gestures. Puppy claims she was not trying for a threesome but somehow, things got out of hand and before you knew it? It became a slap and tickle session, only somehow Bertha managed to escape. Ok, spill it, who was in that car? Puppy is looking around, whistling, and trying not to look too guilty. Puppy, did you sneak in there? There was produce? You used produce to bribe a senator for a vote? Puppy is snickering. The man could not help himself. You dog you. Bertha is looking at him and shaking her head. So Bertha what happened after you got your dress caught?

Bertha is lighting up one of her extra long cigars, as she opens up about the night. She entered wearing killer high heels, a dress with a slit down to there, and tried not to fall out. Well, the tape did not hold em in and of course there she was flaunting them for all to see. One man dropped his champagne glass and another yelled out…”Bravo!” At this point she had now flashed everyone in the room, from both ends. Other women would have been mortified, but not our gal. Bertha took em out and began to swing them. The dress made an extra slit as she began to do her best  peepshow impersonation.It was on. Bertha now controlled the room. Men began to approach her with their wives giving them a sharp slap. That had Bertha hot and heavy. One guy offered her his glass of champagne, and as soon as she took a sip, out fell her dentures. The man began to gag. She tried to put them back in but somehow they ended up upside down. Now she just looked like a drunken sailor out on leave. A man gracefully offered her his handkerchief and she fixed her mistake. But did that stop the old girl? No way! She grabbed champagne, the man and off they went to a corner. Screams were heard, and so was moaning, but Bertha insists it was not from her. She is shaking her head. He was a crier? She is looking at me as if to say…what a loser. She dismissed him and went on to target number two. Bertha how much younger was he than you? 15 years? She is winking. The term cougar came to mind, along with a dirty old bag. You tangoed with this guy? Define tango exactly? Wait, we might not want to know.

Bertha is grabbing the rose in her teeth, and snapping her fingers as she sashays across the room. I knew that look. The girl was a smitten kitten. He knows you are a sheep right? He didn’t care.Did you tell him you can’t have kids? He said they could adopt. Did he know you are also a wild woman who can’t be tamed? She claims that just turned him on even more. She said he tried to undo her corset and she had to give him a swift bite. Assuming that would be the end of it, she tried to escape. The kid would not give up. Doing a dance move she lifted her leg and gave him a swift kick in the clapper. Still it was not enough to get this hormone raging teenager off of her. Finally puppy broke in, grabbed her and made a swift exit. Just as she was pulling herself together from that nightmare, she heard a breathless whisper in her ear. The sheep was in no mood for another Lothario.

“Mind if I cut in?” he asked in a suave voice? It was her stalker, the very one who followed her around the world, and made her swoon. But by now her lashes were falling off, she was a sweaty beast and smelled of snarl. That did not seem to bother this guy. He always liked that Mediterranean look. Bertha was so shocked she swallowed one of her eye lashes. She bent over to try to cough it up, but ended up looking as if she was doing other things. An old woman walked by and screamed at her. “You swine, couldn’t you wait until you got home to do that?” Bertha began to gag making it look as if she was ignoring the old bat. Finally she gave a loud belch and up it came. The old bat was mortified as she assumed the worst. Bertha raised her middle hoof and looked her in the eye. The dance of the eyes was on. Bertha walked around her and the old woman followed her. It was almost a tango. Before anyone could stop this mess, Bertha lunged at her and it was a cat fight sheep style. Bertha ripped off the old gals wig, and vice versa. Men were cheering, some were throwing money. A New Years eve party and a cat fight, what man could ask for more? Cheers of Bite Her” and “Oh man I know that had to hurt” could be heard across the room. The old gal was a tough beast. As Bertha began to rip off her bra, yells of “Put it back on her” could be heard.  The fight was broken up to groans. Bertha came out of it looking as if she had been on an all night drunk. Literally. One man offered her a cigar and asked if it was good for her too? She winked at him, blew smoke rings in his face and pat his face. Puppy b this time was engaged in other activities with strange women he had just met.

Noises of “ah sweet mystery of life at last I found you” could be heard coming from their direction. No telling what that was about and puppy won’t discuss it. Bertha knew. Turnips, they do it for him every time. It goes without saying the two were ushered out of the event with a ban on both. Now to Bertha this just means the party was a success. They sat and swilled champagne in the limmo, both skunk drunk and as they entered the house, sounds of regifting could be heard for hours.

Sheep hope your night was just as eventful, fun, sweet and filled with happiness. But we do hope you were able to do so without produce.

Happy 2013

Sheep take on the NRA and Candy Nazis…..

Where to begin, so much material, so little time. The NRA asked for it and now we are going to go rogue on them. Ahem, Senior psychopath,  police and FBI must be able to refer to that register to avoid future killings. What part does he not understand? This is not produce we are talking about, they are weapons that kill. Guns, not squash, though we have heard of people getting things caught in their nether regions. But nobody ever died from squash, entrapped rodents maybe, but that was only when the little buggers felt they could not find a way out. That became an intense situation. There was a lot of crying, some people screamed, and we heard the humans were not too happy either. But we are getting off track. Actually we are not, some of the same people who might abuse rodents and produce could also abuse guns. Could you imagine someone who has already abused the produce, getting it caught getting angry and going on a shooting spree? Until the little guy came out, and we don’t mean that way, the rampage could be severe.

When did you ever recall anyone having such issues with turnips, or carrots? Pineapple we might be able to see, as it can cause irritation, but few people die of a rampage with produce. If on the other hand, you get escapees from a ya ya ward, or say grandpa who didn’t get his nightly prune juice, you might have issues. Even in such cases sheep see the need for a register for those who carry concealed produce. It is not an invasion of privacy or their second amendment rights if someone else could be injured. Can you imagine a forced pruning? Or worse a rogue fruiting? Then there are the issues with those who might carry a loaded melon. Oh the possibilities sir.

You cannot have people walking about ready to take on the nearest or weakest links. That just makes for more crazies on the loose. It does not cut down on the rogue attacks, won’t reduce the need for the bleach bottle by junior. The police and feds must be able to identify anyone who purchased produce and rodents. They have to be able to know if grandpa got his meds and is not a candidate for company D. Junior who could be going through hormonal issues, or those of inadequacy, should not be able to have access either. And pre menopausal females or shemales, it goes without saying. NO means NO.

But if you sir would rather have these crazies carrying in grocery stores, or malls, churches, ready at any time to take out the nearest supply of celery, or racks of designer attire, or those who buy them/ The meek, unsuspecting, non carrying members of the NRA, or KKK, the normal who dare to be different? If you insist on violating their rights to safety from freaks who need to get their rocks off from things that go boom? You sir are a cad.

Sheep like things that go boom, but not like that. We like crackers at Christmas time, champagne for those aha moments, pretty things that light up the sky on the fourth. Bertha loves those. But nothing that could harm others. Sheep won’t have anything to do with them or thing that could harm others. We just can’t support it or you. We will back the police and FBI who see the need for such records but you or yours? No. Even puppy who is and has been a life long produce carrying member of society says he can’t back you. While the age old image of the grand dame carrying a gun in her garter belt may seem sexy to some? Remember, today, its just dangerous. Bertha is not about to sport that look, even if a Kardashian might. No telling if some Lothario gets the hornies and demands action. That would be the kind he did not ask for.

As for you candy Nazis who now refuse to allow kids to devour a lifetime old habit of eating candy cigarettes? We have this to say to you, actually Bertha is mooning you. Girl, we hear ya on that one. I think kids can tell the difference between something that tastes like insulation and dirt and something that is sweet and crunchy. Unless you left your tobacco in your nether regions? We don’t think so. Trust us, kids can tell the difference, and no Gertrude, it won’t make them take up smoking.

Like we said, so much material, so little time. If sheep have to go to these places, you know we are pissed off. Are you listening?  

We have a few choice words for the head of the NRA,

Sheep Offer Advice for Holliday Travel….

 If there is anything sheep have learned over the years is how to maneuver airport travel. Bertha and puppy have these wonderful tips for impending travellers this holiday season.

When packing remember you cannot pack anything that is odd shaped. Bertha who is a sheep after all has to wear attire that can handle her, ahem, rather unique body. Meaning, what humans can sport, sheep simply cannot. Case in point are shoes. Sheep cannot wear flip flops, or slip ons. We have hooves. Our easy on and off in the TSA line is not so simple. Bertha has to pack shoes with heels, and boots are totally out as our hooves get stuck and then its a whole new ballgame. Trying to take those things off brings on its own issues. She tried that once, trying to contort her body into various positions showing off her charms to the rest of the passengers. It goes without saying, after that fiasco, no more boots.

Then there are the issues with bras with under wires. Ladies, you know what we are talking about. The second you go through a security check all hell  breaks loose, and then it becomes a game of slap and tickle with the male TSA agents trying to feel you up. What? Did we say the wrong thing? We don’t think so. If men had to wear a cup with a wire, don’t you think you would feel the same way guys? Do you really enjoy someone getting a feel of your gifts? Enough said. Puppy went through hell the night he forgot to remove a carrot. TSA grabbed him, took him down and it was off to the races. No produce unless its packed, wrapped, in baggies or stored, and we don’t mean there.

We were talking underwires. Bertha was sporting the latest in underwire bustier, complete with lots of ribbing. Well, that just set off every alarm in the entire airport. Poor Bertha had to strip in public, showing off her implants and new tattoo. Bertha, you got a new tat? She is winking at us. Should we be alarmed? Bertha is trying to pantomime its shape. Ok sister, that is just way too much information. The passengers and agents got a good look at this beast, and some fainted. One just kept tilting his head trying to figure out what it is. Bertha gave him a sharp bite on his toucas. Once the public got a good look at her, the agents passed her on, but not with that top. Topless she had to make her way through the airport with men nearly passing out, or offering marriage proposals, one even  got whiplash trying to stare. You have to know this girl, she ate up the attention, swinging those hips and popping that gum, batting her lashes. She figured if you are going to have to go topless, ya might as well work it sister. So nothing with ribs or underwires.

Liquids are off limits too. Sheep can’t tolerate to be near anyone with breath that smells like snarl. If we must, we offer a breath mint when we can, a piece of gum, or for that matter grass.  So what is a human to do? Well, puppy gets around this by saying he can’t go outside to pee so he carries his own facility. Nobody is going to question a  dog. Though one testy agent chose to force him to sip it to prove its contents. Puppy shook his head, the agent persisted. A drunk grabbed the bottle, offered to be the guinea pig. He was so gone he had no idea of the content. “It itsn’t bad, but it needs a wedge of lime.” The passengers and puppy began to gag, one began to puke. The agent passed the dog on through without his bottle.

Bertha is up front, she lets the agents see her bottles of make up, perfume, all stored so it gets shipped ahead. Though one snuck through, causing men to swoon. Bertha, what were you wearing? She was wearing Comptoire Sud Abricot Vanille. Very nice girl. She has such good taste, is it any wonder men swooned? Lesson here, if you must pack liquids, make sure you only take less than an ounce and if need be send ahead.

Now we know you have been through the long hold overs. Don’t you hate that? You don’t get enough time to pee, or get coffee before they begin to call your number. But for those long hangovers, oops, we mean layovers, we recommend good reading material. Puppy says Playboy is good for men, or for women something with a bit of ZAZA ZOO. If you must take offspring, do bring nappies and lots of books or toys. Puppy says carrots won’t do for them, so don’t even go there. Even if Junior insists on using a plunger, just give him a swift bite and tell him NO. Must we really explain the plunger? That is for those private moments, not an aircraft.

Now for produce or anything that must be explained. Oy where do we start? If you have to blow on it, inflate it,  spank it, in any way sit on it? That is a big time NO. Do you really want to see your blow up doll making the rounds at the gates? Poor girl will get more action than your sister. If you must get caught with carrots, turnips, squash, or anything that can be used for chinese or crudite platter for later? Fake it, telling them you are a vegan. You simply cannot eat their airline delicacies. They do not need to know you are going to have a romp with them later on. Puppy usually does not have an issue with produce, unless he gets a perv who is into it too, and opens his big, fat, mouth. That is when he resorts to using the leg lift.

So, if you all have to travel, we hope these pieces of advice are helpful. Just remember, you should pack something to prevent shoe BO. Nobody wants to be behind a person whose shoes smell worse than our pens back at the farm. For that matter, they don’t want to be behind a person whose behind smells like a pen either. Hopefully they are into hygiene.

 

Good travelling…..

How to Tell if you have an Image Problem, GOP, You Paying Attention?

Sheep are seriously laughing. The GOP has no idea why they have such a bad reputation. Are they serious? Do we really have to go there? Sheep are going rogue on this one.

Number one, they seriously need to take the stick out. A good romp with carrots will help this. Puppy, Bertha and Henrietta are laughing hysterically.  Puppy we get it, but whether they will is something else. Bertha is rolling her eyes.

Second, the people who represent them have serious intolerance issues. Bertha, you have met some of these folks, yes? She is shaking her head. They like to wear sheets and attend rally’s? Oh my! That explains a lot. They like to hunt and use humans as bait? That is seriously twisted. Hmmm, sounds like they are more into the S&M than we thought. Let’s see, white sheets, pain, fire, all done behind closed doors. Yep, that is serious S&M. Bertha says one is into whips and chains. They didn’t call him house whip for nothing!

Then they have that anti female thing. What is up with that? They hate women, yet they insist they all get buggered up and pregnant, don’t like birth control, but hate the idea of paying for all of the out of wedlock kids. Sounds like a bunch of  cheap, premenstrual males to us. How else do you explain it unless they are all gay? Not that there is anything wrong with that. You all know how we sheep feel about the gay population. We support them and gay marriage. We love it when they wear rose. But we digress.

They don’t want anyone else to have what they do, are hellbent on avoiding taxes, but want everyone else to pay more. Oh lord, that sounds like cheap ex husbands to us. Memories of bad marriages and dates past. Bertha, you dated a cheap skate didn’t you? She is shaking her head. You had to pay for your entire night out, plus a ride home, and he wanted you to pay him for sex? You gave him the gift that keeps on giving. We love it. Nobody messes with this sheep and gets by with it. You took pictures of him in compromising positions? Nice touch.

They hate old people and want to take their medicare and social security away from them. Puppy is crossing himself. Nobody touches an old woman’s medicare or social security. Does getting chased by angry old people in wheel chairs with cains not scare the hell out of them? If not it should. If those old people are told they can’t get Viagra, boy will Hef have it in for all of you. Don’t think so.

Then there is education they seem to insist needs to go. Why? Stripping that along with programs for little kids is just wrong. You already removed Elmo from Sesame Street, which Puppy still can’t get over. Now they want to make little kids starve at school so they can get their botox queens paid for. NOTE we said QUEENS. Would they like to see what angry kids can do? It won’t be pretty. Kids know how to cause Montazuma’s revenge.  If any kid offers them brownies? I think I would refuse.

So let’s recap for them. They hate kids, old people, are cheap, bigoted, need to have a good romp with carrots, Puppy am I leaving anything out? Puppy is looking at the list, uh oh, he has more folks. Puppy, do tell.

Puppy says they hate anyone who interferes with their expensive toys. Hmmmm, so that explains it, they like toys. Bertha says she likes toys too, but Bertha, I don’t think that is what they had in mind. She is winking, shaking her head. They are? One likes leather? Oh yeah, the whips and chains guy. And we thought it was just buck shot. Bertha says that also has its place. I’m sure it does. Do we want to go there? She wants to go there. They don’t like anyone who messes with thier oil? Bertha, don’t even touch that one. Puppy says he will. Ok, we know how that came out. Bertha, that is what you said? MOving On….

They have bleach nanny still and that guy who ran with Romney, so we know they won’t take religion off the table. Bertha you tried to take it off the table, and what happened? She is pantomiming. First word, sounds like …..Bertha! We can’t say that online. She is making another hand gesture. Nope, can’t say that either. We get the picture. They are prudes.

This is not looking good guys. What else?  They like dim sum. Oh yes, outsourcing. Is it any wonder they are so hated? They just hate people period. They have Karl in a dress, and Rush in tights. That would explain part of it. They have the loud mouth who likes to attack children and the disabled. Oh those are real good people to represent you. NOT.  Puppy is shaking his head. This does not bode well for this group. The top ten list would not be enough to cover all of this, sorry Dave.

Sheep have spoken. We want only good things for humans. We like old people, gays, the transgendered, children, dogs, cats, kids, families. We like to see families happy, in jobs that can pay for healthcare without the tax increase, equal rights for all.Bertha is supporting your cause, by wearing a patriotic bra by Victoria’s Secrets, which might be a bit too much info girl. The dog is trying to wave the peace symbol but it comes out the middle paw. We appreciate the intent.

GOP,  yes, you have a serious issue with image and that is why. Sheep say FIX IT.

 

Sheep Take on The Holidays…..

I know, its that time of the year again. We can tell as puppy is once again having to do the two step to grab his produce before the masses get to it. Did that come out wrong, too much pro secco? We think its just the hangover from Black Friday. Have you ever? I mean come on humans, some of you need a good spanking. Diving into crowds allowing your drawers to be pulled down as you grab for a toaster? Is nothing sacred? At least the woman could have worn Victoria’s Secrets like Bertha did. If she got grabbed, she didn’t care who saw her. But you humans, oy gavalt. You embarrass yourselves. Is it any wonder we only see Santa once a year? Or hang bagels for passover? This time of year brings out the beast in you.

Bertha likes to go away to her favorite spot, the Caymans. I am with ya on that one girl. Nothing like lounging on a beach with a guy named Sven to feed you grapes, pass puppy a good squash, and Hen the latest in political gossip. We sheep refuse to fuss with all of you creatures. You become vultures waiting to stalk the next sale. We prefer to take our chances on line or by phone. Of course the call centers make things harder. Puppy still can’t translate squash to the Chinese. He orders it, only to get dirty laundry. Sorry Wong, he didn’t ask for wash, he asked for squash. And when Bertha orders socks, she gets the manager on the phone screaming they don’t’ sell sex. But we prefer that to you humans who fight over garland, or the latest frou frou du jour.

Of course there are the perfume ads. Where do humans find so many insipid writers? If it was not for the half naked beings on screen, all you would have is sex. Not that there is anything wrong with it. We like sex as much as the next sheep, but we have to have conversation. Oops, going off on a tangent. Bertha likes the jewelry ads. Come to think of it, she likes a lot of sparkling things. That explains the baths in pro secco, of course she does then wreak of Italians or Spaniards. Try explaining that one to a cop. No sir she was not drinking, she was bathing in Italians. Of course her fur takes time to get over the alcohol high. Her speech gets slurred,  and she starts to make passes at anyone who looks her way. Then the clothes come off, eye lashes begin to fall too, and oops, there goes the panties. Just can’t take her anywhere if she baths in booze. Oh, a side step, yes, we were talking about sparkling things. She tried to order those diamond studs, only to get them stuck in her nose. She sneezed and accidentally inhaled, and up they went. Now she only orders hoops. Since they don’t show tassels she is left to order blinds for windows, removing the shade and using the dangling things for…. Too much info there girl.

The holidays are times when sheep pull out all the stops. You all use reindeer and we use cats. Hey, if you ever need a path cleared fast, throw a cat in a snow bank and watch how fast they move through it. Much cheaper than the neighborhood kid. Of course we do invite them in after, the cats, not the kids. Someone has to open all of those damn plastic wrapped things. Cats come in handy that way.

Puppy likes to offer produce to carollers. Hey, if they insist on forcing their good cheer on all of us, he is going to teach them a lesson. These folks are use to getting hot chocolate offered. When the produce tray comes out, the looks on faces is priceless. Look on the bright side folks, not only can you use it , you have the ability to make Chinese or a crudites platter for later. Did you expect the dog to give up produce for the holidays? We knew better. He likes ring toss in the snow too. Nothing like the shrieks of old ladies who end up throwing out old stale bagels. Snacks for later. We know crude Holiday cheer.

 Sheep think by this time you all are accustomed to our rants and rowdy adventures. If not, we urge thee to get to a blog and read. Yes, even we by this time of the year get the devil in us. It does not take much for Bertha, as she is always ready to go. Do not offer the girl egg nog. Unless you are prepared to take her home for a good romp, lose your chandelier in the am, look as if you fought in the resistance? And that is if she only had one glass guys. If she downs more, the gloves come off and you are up for grabs.

We sheep have a few good ideas for gift giving. For Junior, there is always the bleach bottle. Come on, we know he is not just playing wi fi. The little monkey needs love too. Then there is your daughter. For her we recommend the latest in chastity belts. Mom you really need to wake up and smell the hummus. Literally. If she comes home from a date and wreaks of snarl? Must we go there? Get the girl the Victoria’s Secret’s belt with everything. Vice grips, scissors for the men who can’t take no for an answer. Too much? Then there is your husband, which we recommend produce and a blow up doll. This way you get a good night’s sleep while he gets his rocks off. Come to think of it, that in itself is a gift that keeps on giving. Much cheaper than a hooker and fewer diseases. Bertha says a gift certificate for a wild night with her cures his ills too. Such a champion for the cause.

As for this sheep, I will be looking forward to a night of asti after dark, a little night magic, some pixie dust, a little late night Chinese and my personal favorite, Nickleback and a wild ride through the cold air. Cheers!